uh, what the fuck is even going on here?

Norma Norman gets off on the Doctor being mean to Turlough. and i get off on that.

Turlough got so bored waiting for the plot to develop that he called in the Black Guardian to get the party started.

"Doctor, we're both freaked out. we'll wait in the TARDIS for you to do whatever yr gonna do..." - the ultimate indication that the Fifth Doctor got stuck with some pretty shitty companions. normally i try to defend Turlough as a regular guy stuck in an extraordinarily bad situation but selling out the guy that had the key to the rum locker was pretty indefenisble. "Turlough Sucks," cried Norma Norman, and i had to agree.

Why do they even bother wearing space suits on the deck if there's an invisible forcefield that allows them to breathe? and how does Turlough jump ship and float off if there is an invisible forcefield??


this light provided to let you know that it's too late and you're fucked.

did Tegan really put on a ballgown to go over to the pirate ship, knowing she was gonna be hanging out with that creepy obsessive Eternal? i think it goes beyond "mixed signals" into "this is stupid and makes no sense" territory. Turlough calls the Black Guardian, twice, after the Black Guardian threatens to kill him and Turlough jumps ship to escape him. No one notices the large red jewel that suddenly appears in Tegan's tiara after visiting the captain of the pirate ship? could it be any more obvious and in plain sight and not matching her outfit? The cliffhanger for Episode 3 is so mundane that i can't even remember what it was, just that it made me want to throw things at the tv. Norma Norman points out that the Doctor is a much stronger character in this story and properly Doctor-ish.



Turlough must wear a sign on his back that says Dominate Me


at least they didn't make Turlough wear a pirate costume because that might make me go into irreversible fits of eyerolling. somehow it's very simple when Turlough does it, but when the Black Guardian communicates with the Eternal captain of the pirate ship, the effects get all crappy and elaborate. it' s like they realized the effects had been passable so far and had to add in something especially dodgy to make up the difference. the Guardians appear to keep enlightenment in an egg cup. there's something so right about that but i can't put my finger on it. and the burning question, Why, For Fuck's Sake, Why Would The Black And White Guardian Hold Such A Race in the First Place, especially with the prize being something that you wouldn't want anyone who would particiapte in that race anywhere near? i have come to the conclusion that whoever came up with this Black Guardian/Turlough "story arc" (to be very generous) was an idiot, but they happened to hire decent writers for the individual stories of the trilogy.

the music
that terrible, tooty sailor music notwithstanding, pretty appropriate atmospheric stuff. maybe this era of the Radiophonic Workshop is not as bad as i try to peg it...

the bottom line:
this wasn't the amazing creature i recall it being, but it is competent tv sci-fi at the very least and one of the better Fifth Doctor stories at best. i think.

the DW Heretic rating: 7/10
"I will never serve you again!!"

Terminus episode127 (s20e04) 1983

Janet Fielding and Mark Strickson react
after being told what they can expect to
be doing the entire story

would someone please tell me what exactly any of this has to do with this supposed trilogy?
it actually blew Norma Norman's mind when the end of the story came around and no one in the plot really had anything to do with the Black Guardian whatsoever. if anything, maybe the Black Guardian contrived the TARDIS's "landing" there, but wouldn't that mean that he facilitated the Doctor averting the end of the universe?? just poorly thought out.

would someone please tell me what exactly Tegan and Turlough contributed to the plot of this story?

would someone please explain to me how a ship manned by a dead pilot jumped from the big bang to the "present day" and managed to dock at Terminus?

would someone tell me who of the production staff saw that Garm costume and said, "yeah, that looks fine. could the actor wearing it walk like a man in a mask that can't see at all? that would make it perfect! and give it a dumb voice too..."?


if this had been Nyssa's costume all along,
they'd surely have had higher ratings.

Nyssa in undergarments made this one of my favorite Fifth Doctor stories of childhood, but i guess i require a little more in the realm of actual content these days, as it completely failed to be more than minimally entertaining. it starts off promising, but once they leave the TARDIS the pace goes to shit. a few interesting sci-fi ideas hanging around that don't fulfill their promise. the Vanir are a credible, well-characterized dystopian lot, with their glowstick-drug slavery and space skeleton armor, and the concept of the fuel dump creating the big bang is at least typical of the type of O RLY? stories us DW fans are used to being served. somehow the whole thing turns out less than the sum of it's parts.


Go ahead, make Norma Norman's day.

one suspects that the crew of the pirate ship's quick egress had less to do with Terminus being contaminated than simply getting rid of Olvir. he appears to be a dropout of the Paul Darrow school of acting...

the Vanir should've been able to tell Nyssa wasn't one of their lepers bc her hair wasn't teased out- one of the surest signs that you've been infected with lazar's disease...

and exactly how did Nyssa get infected when Tegan was positively groped by a dozen lepers and Nyssa never explicitly came into contact with them??

Tegan is a character well-known for showing her ass (figuratively) but i was amazed that she somehow managed to spend an entire story doing nothing but showing it to Turlough (literally.)

the Doctor himself left very little impression on me in this story - i can't remember much about what he even did, besides hanging out with space pirate gal and explaining the backstory to us.

as soon as Nyssa reveals that she could create an endless supply of Hydromel, all these calloused and ruthless Vanir are suddenly amiable and compassionate? riiiiiight.


a spinoff about the Garm and his ongoing space hospital romance with Nyssa
never captured the imagination of BBC execs, but surely would've been more
fun to watch than Scrubs.

the music
quite the opposite from the previous story, they're using all the right sounds (considering the time period) to play all the wrong music.

the bottom line:
Norma Norman said this was the sexiest episode of DW she's seen yet, not just bc of Nyssa's striptease but Tegan's well-restrained, heaving breast.and besides, i've since determined that she has a bit of a thing for Nyssa so individual results may vary. watching this made me doubt my ability to maintain this blog - if i can't handle this, how will i fare when it's time to watch The Twin Dilemma or Paradise Towers? i soldier on.

the DW Heretic rating: 6/10
NOW WE KNOW, DON'T WE!! THIS IS A LEPER SHIP!!!

Mawdryn Undead ep126 (s20e03) 1983

i've always liked Mawdryn Undead, but it had been so long since i'd seen it that i couldn't really remember why, and i was willing to be proved wrong. the first ten minutes of the thing led me to believe that maybe i had been wrong, as the Turlough and Hibbotson Steal The Brig's Car theme and sequence seem to foreshadow (no pun intended) a miserable pace, but pretty soon thereafter things get moving. i was pleasantly surprised at how briskly the story progressed and how efficiently the plot twists. as it turns out, i actually liked this story at least as much as upon previous viewings. i'm not usually quick to fawn over a story, and certainly not one from this particular era of DW, but this is pretty solid stuff. certain new Doctor Who episodes are conceived with much less care, and deliver much less. and yes, of course i am turning a blind eye to the silly plot resolution and the tedious uselessness of the Black Guardian. "yay, the 2 Brigadiers touching each other saved the day!"
you try working that sentence into any other conversation.

the design, props and fx are all fun and unusually not-embarassing, and the characterizations work for me almost without fail. it scores extra points for being a story that is marginally about Time Lord stuff that doesn't get bogged down by that fact. the very idea of the alien scientists lusting for death as they live forever in regenerative torment is great fun for the whole family.

Peter Davison is much maligned as being wrong for the part, or as Norma Norman put it, "not Doctor-ish enough", but i think if we're being honest, it's more a case of "not being Tom Baker." in this episode he more than once reminded me of the Second Doctor in a good way. i just accidentally typed "in a food way" and tried to convince myself to back up that argument somehow. anyway, when push comes to shove, i believe Davison has the skills to pay the bills in his own right; a smart balance of familiar and unique.

when you fall unconscious and wake up in what appears to be a bad special effects generator and a man with a stuffed bird on his head scowls at you and immediately blackmails you into killing someone, you can't be surprised to find out they're a bad-guy. unless yr Turlough, i guess. if he was written/acted to be not very likeable, then they did a real bang-up job. is it me or did everyone seem very passe about his advanced knowledge of sci-fi technology?




just why did the Black Guardian choose to enlist Turlough, of all people? why suddenly worry about the Doctor just then? hadn't the randomizer been uninstalled for some time? were they hoping to cast Burgess Meredith as the Black Guardian, but had to settle for casting Valentine Dyall as Burgess Meredith? Does the Tall Man from Phantasm go out drinking with the Black Guardian? if the answer to all of these questions is YES, it still doesn't make any sense.

wasn't it established before and after this story that The Brigadier has a wife? i'm sure this is explained away in a later adventure or somesuch, but really- the Brigadier sat around at a boys' school for at least 7 years? teaching math??? i'm just not feeling that at all. Norma Norman purports to be a fan of the Brigadier and who can blame her? i refuse to be drawn into the UNIT dating thing here, because that would be a waste of time and i don't need any help with that, thanks. oh and the black and white flashback of monsters the Brigadier has fought makes me drool and clap.

Tegan's outfit is so hot that it almost makes up for her character, but i say that about alot of people. really though, she's less annoying than usual in this story. full disclosure: i have never been able to care much for her, as a character, but Norma Norman says she is at least comparable to Nyssa quality. i put this down to her not having been exposed to enough Tegan to know any better. Nyssa is not only well-characterized, but bringing sexy back in this one too, foreshadowing (sorry again) her striptease in the next story. Mawdryn is a a great supporting character with great character design, well-written and well-performed. neat.


"that music!"
apart from that wretched joyride theme it's not half-bad, positioned though it is in an era of almost indisputably dodgy incidental music. 'interesting music performed competently with much less interesting sounds', to put it as harshly as possible.

the bottom line:
Norma Norman went "WHAT!?" in sheer disbelief at the plot thickening at least 3 times. when asked if she liked it she said, and i quote, "yeah, it was good."

the DW Heretic Rating: 8/10
B is for "Brigadiers touching each other"

Start The Riot

Welcome to The Doctor Who Heretic - a new blog wherein i will be watching and discussing the entirety of Doctor Who, both new and old, Torchwood, the Sarah Jane Adventures, etc. as well as general comments on the "Whoniverse," fandom and relevant news-as-it-happens.

a few words about myself-

• i am an American.

• i have been watching Doctor Who for over 20 years. (since grammar school)
  

• Tom Baker was my first Doctor.

• I have seen every episode of Doctor Who from Spearhead From Space to the present day, with a generous smattering of the first 2 Doctors' episodes as well.
  

• i was a pretty avid reader of both the Virgin and BBC DW book lines, i.e. i've read at least twenty-something of them. i probably won't be reviewing any of those, but i may refer to (what i know of) them, as we go along.
  

• i have what some people refer to politely as "strong opinions".
  

• i spell and capitalize however i feel like it. it's wrong, but usually consistent. unlike my opinions themselves, which are right but usually inconsistent.
  

so that's me out of the way, but i'm not alone. someone else will be providing a relative newcomer perspective on things. i am accompanied in this potentially maddening endeavor by a young companion. which is fitting, don't you think?



her nom de plume is Norma Norman and i am at liberty to disclose a few key statistics about her;

• is presently under the age of 21.

• has seen most of the new serieses of Doctor Who, Torchwood, and the Sarah Jane Adventures, and a dozen or so random episodes of the old series.

• has been known to read romance novels.

• is a confirmed bad-ass, otherwise she wouldn't be participating.

and at some point, i may have others drop in to help me kick it around. anyway, we're like the Time Team, except with much more cigarette smoke and swearing, and overwrought analysis of the soundtrack.

a perhaps slightly-offbeat decison i've made is to Not start at the beginning of the series. Norma and i happened to be watching Mawdryn Undead when this blog was conceived, so we're going to start there. perhaps it is a bit odd to start reviewing the whole of such a massive program in it's entirety from about 20 years in- and in the middle of a season, no less- but i'm ok with all of that. and honestly, i fear that starting with the Hartnell stories might just put me into some form of coma.

so let's catch a breath, shall we? before we travel to 1983 and begin to speak seriously about the anthropomorphic personification of the forces of entropy and chaos in the unvierse, as portrayed by a man with a stuffed bird on his head.