uh, what the fuck is even going on here?

Norma Norman gets off on the Doctor being mean to Turlough. and i get off on that.

Turlough got so bored waiting for the plot to develop that he called in the Black Guardian to get the party started.

"Doctor, we're both freaked out. we'll wait in the TARDIS for you to do whatever yr gonna do..." - the ultimate indication that the Fifth Doctor got stuck with some pretty shitty companions. normally i try to defend Turlough as a regular guy stuck in an extraordinarily bad situation but selling out the guy that had the key to the rum locker was pretty indefenisble. "Turlough Sucks," cried Norma Norman, and i had to agree.

Why do they even bother wearing space suits on the deck if there's an invisible forcefield that allows them to breathe? and how does Turlough jump ship and float off if there is an invisible forcefield??


this light provided to let you know that it's too late and you're fucked.

did Tegan really put on a ballgown to go over to the pirate ship, knowing she was gonna be hanging out with that creepy obsessive Eternal? i think it goes beyond "mixed signals" into "this is stupid and makes no sense" territory. Turlough calls the Black Guardian, twice, after the Black Guardian threatens to kill him and Turlough jumps ship to escape him. No one notices the large red jewel that suddenly appears in Tegan's tiara after visiting the captain of the pirate ship? could it be any more obvious and in plain sight and not matching her outfit? The cliffhanger for Episode 3 is so mundane that i can't even remember what it was, just that it made me want to throw things at the tv. Norma Norman points out that the Doctor is a much stronger character in this story and properly Doctor-ish.



Turlough must wear a sign on his back that says Dominate Me


at least they didn't make Turlough wear a pirate costume because that might make me go into irreversible fits of eyerolling. somehow it's very simple when Turlough does it, but when the Black Guardian communicates with the Eternal captain of the pirate ship, the effects get all crappy and elaborate. it' s like they realized the effects had been passable so far and had to add in something especially dodgy to make up the difference. the Guardians appear to keep enlightenment in an egg cup. there's something so right about that but i can't put my finger on it. and the burning question, Why, For Fuck's Sake, Why Would The Black And White Guardian Hold Such A Race in the First Place, especially with the prize being something that you wouldn't want anyone who would particiapte in that race anywhere near? i have come to the conclusion that whoever came up with this Black Guardian/Turlough "story arc" (to be very generous) was an idiot, but they happened to hire decent writers for the individual stories of the trilogy.

the music
that terrible, tooty sailor music notwithstanding, pretty appropriate atmospheric stuff. maybe this era of the Radiophonic Workshop is not as bad as i try to peg it...

the bottom line:
this wasn't the amazing creature i recall it being, but it is competent tv sci-fi at the very least and one of the better Fifth Doctor stories at best. i think.

the DW Heretic rating: 7/10
"I will never serve you again!!"